Master Tells Jokes

Luckily Just A Dog

Spoken By Suma Ching Hai At 7-Day Retreat, Cambodia

May 13, 1996 (Originally In English, Unabridged)

There was a person who was very, very greedy when he was eating. One day, he was invited to a party. He sat there as if the whole table belonged to him, even though there were many guests around him. He kept eating, eating, eating, fast, fast, fast, all the time, one thing after another. The people didn't know how to stop him. Then suddenly, one person thought of a way of how to do it. He asked the eating-like-mad person, "What sign of zodiac do you belong to?"

This person said, "I belong to the Dog, my zodiac sign." Then he asked, "We are in the middle of eating, why are you asking my zodiac sign? What for?"

All the people said, "Why, so that we can be prepared to protect ourselves."

The person who ate a lot said, "Prepare to protect yourselves from what?"

Then, the man who thought of the way said, "Oh! It's okay now. Luckily you were born under the sign of the Dog. If you were born under the sign of the Tiger, then we'd have to run." (Laughter and applause)

Concentration

There was a man who went out to eat, he was also kind of very greedy, and when he came back, his wife asked him, "So, did you have a good time? Who was sitting at the table to eat with you today?"

So, the man said, "I don't know. When I lifted my head they were all gone!" (Laughter and applause)

Quick Enough

There was another man, he complained to his son when he got back home. He said, "The man next door is such a greedy, gluttonous person. You can not imagine it! There was only one piece of ham left over there. If I wasn't quick enough he was going to take it away from me! I only ate three, and the last one, he was going to take it!"

Won't Feel Too Lonely

There were two men who went out to eat together. They ordered about four fishes on the table; and the first man kept eating, eating, and eating to the third fish already. At the last fish on the plate, suddenly he realized, "I feel a little bit embarrassed already. Oh, please! You take."

So, the other man said, "Oh, never mind. You take it that so they will be paired together, so that they won't feel too lonely!" (Laughter)

Moving House

Spoken By Suma Ching Hai At 7-Day Retreat, Cambodia

May 13, 1996 (Originally In English, Unabridged)

There was a person who kind of liked silence, not too much noise. Perhaps one of the Quan Yin practitioner, who doesn't like noise so much. But unluckily for him, he lived in between the two building blocks in which two different artisans were working. The first one was a carpenter, and he used his machines and sawed everyday. Vroom, vroom! You know what it is like. Ah, very, very noisy. This was on his left. The other one on his right made knives, by pounding the hammer on top of a piece of iron or things like that. So, both of them, one sawing and one pounding everyday like this. He couldn't bear it anymore.

So, one day he came and talked to them, invited them both to his house to have tea, and he said, "Wow! It would be a day if both of you moved house. I would give a really big party and say good-bye. Whatever you want will be in that party."

So, both of them, the carpenter and the blacksmith were very happy and said, "Okay, okay! You remember. You promised. When we move house, you make a party for us. You remember."

And the owner of the quiet house said, "Of course, of course! I'm a gentleman. Once I've said it, I will keep it."

It happened one day that both of them came to him happily and said, "Tomorrow we will move house. Now, make a party for us."

So, he said, "Oh, of course, of course! Right away!" So, he tried to have all his servants, wife and kids kill all the whatever...chicken, vegetarian chicken perhaps. Even if he was a vegetarian, but they liked chicken so he even got the chicken and everything for them -- all the wine, cigarettes, all the beautiful beer and all the delicacies. Really, really, a very swell party, as promised.

After they had eaten everything already, so the host asked them, "Oh, well. I'm also very sorry that you moved house, but where have you both moved to?" (Laughter)

You know already. The blacksmith said, "I've moved to the carpenter's house and the carpenter has moved to my house!" (Master and audience laugh, applause.)

It's impossible to arrange anything in this world. You just have to take it. That's why many times I tell you, whatever situation you're in, if you really can bear it, just keep it, because it could be worse!