Spoken by Supreme Master Ching Hai, Phnom Penh, Cambodia, July 23, 1996
(Originally in English) Videotape No. 563
Normally, people say that the neighbor's wife always looks better. But I don't think so. Reports say that 90% of men would like to marry the same woman again, if they could. So don't fool around, feel sorry and become one of the 90%. That's why from the old times until now all the Masters recommended faithfulness and loyalty to one partner. Because they know you will feel sorry, anyhow.
It takes a long time to get on well with one person, a stranger. Whether it's a woman or man you love, he or she is a stranger to you. You have never known them before. Even if you knew them as a schoolmate or something like that, there's still something inside that you don't know about until you actually live together.
Because when you are dating, like boyfriend, girlfriend or fianc? you share the same joys but you don't worry about the same problems. You part, you go home, and each worries about his own problems and takes care of his own responsibilities. You share only the joys when you're together. So things are different, rosier. And even if you quarrel a little bit, because of the distance and the need or the habit to be together, you get back together again and forgive quickly. But once you are living together, you have to share the same responsibilities and the same anxieties; then things go differently. It takes a long time to mature this loving relationship, to learn each other's habits and the deepest aspects of the other person's inside being.
This comes out with time. You get used to their shortcomings and "long-comings" and "late-comings" or "early-comings" home, and things like that. But it takes a long time to get used to it. And once you've created a good relationship with each other and have mastered the differences and matched it all up already, then it becomes like your own creation. Your relationship is your creation, so you feel good. Just like you have built a house for yourself. Even if it's not as good as the neighbor's house, or it looks different or some people don't like it that much, it's your house. And when you create it with your own hands, you love it. You feel that you are part of it. So that's why when you divorce a long-time wife or husband, you will feel miserable. And if you have to begin anew with another person, it takes another ten years, at least.
Well, I am still trying hard with all my "wives and husbands" here in the Center. I still don't know them yet. I am surprised all the time; they always give me big surprises. I can never tell if I know them all inside-out already. I know some parts of them but I don't know them all - their personalities, not the inner God quality. Also, I have attendants but sometimes when I change one, even if it's the worst one, I feel very bad. I have to teach them all over again and it's very, very tiring. And no matter how bad the last attendant was, she had some good points, too. I had become used to getting along with her bad and good points already; I knew how to deal with the bad ones and accept the good ones. And now the new shortcomings and bad habits are coming, and I have to deal with all brand new ones again. It's exciting but exhausting, too.
It's similar with wife and husband. Because when they first come together, they vow to stick together and sincerely want to build a nest together. They will put all their heart and mind into building the relationship and the home. They're very sincere. And so now, they become like a part of each other. Really, that's why we call them 'partner' or 'the other half' or 'the better half.' So after they part, it's like they're halves; they're halved into fifty percent. And generally they feel something is missing. To build a house with another partner would not be the same; to build another relationship would not be the same.
Every human being has good points and bad points; there will be something missing in each and every being you encounter. So sometimes you daydream that the next person is better, or the other half or the neighbor's wife is better, but it's not necessarily so. Research has shown that most men would like to re-marry the same woman, which just proves that the religions, the Bible and the commandments were right all along. Because everyone is God anyhow; whether it's this female God or that female God, it's still God. So we might just as well get used to one God. Each one just has different attributes to make them a little different. So lately if your relationship has gone sour, or if something is not good in the family, you must think again whether you really want to get rid of this woman or this man, or if you have made a mistake, and what would happen if she were really gone. So if you are really not sure, then just leave home for a few days, go on retreat or something like that.
People say the more you resemble your partner, the better the relationship. That means you like each other so much that you unconsciously absorb each other's qualities and become like one. Even your expression changes. It's just like dogs and cats and their owners, who look exactly like their dogs and cats. Because they love their dogs and cats so much, they imitate their expressions. For example, they kind of pull their nose to make it longer, like an elephant's, if they love an elephant. (Laughter) I have seen many people who love pets that look exactly like their pets. You know it; you've seen them, too. When people walk in the park with their pet behind them, you just can't tell who belongs to whom! They both look so much the same. And they both get along well, the dog and the owner.
It's similar in human relationships: The more you look alike, the more that means you get on well in the relationship. First, because you like each other, you look more alike; because the expression and the thinking are the same, and so your outer appearance changes. And that's why people, after they practice the Quan Yin Method, look more beautiful. It's natural. You want to become God, and God is beautiful. And you are moving toward a more God-like, more angel-like quality. That's why, when people look at you, they just feel you are beautiful, even if you're lame, if you're an amputee or you're bald, or you walk like a hunchback. Because the inner God quality shines; it's shining and shining and makes everyone feel very good. Because you look like God now. And God loves God; like attracts like.
So if a couple looks very much alike, they will love each other more and more every day. Because let's face it: We love ourselves the best. Is that not so? We take hours to look in the mirror and comb our few left-over hairs, and take care of a few strands of beard and things like that. We love ourselves, and that is correct. Problems only arise when we hate ourselves. That's the most sinful thing we can do. We are God. If we cannot love ourselves, no one else can. And if we don't love ourselves, it means we don't love God. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot love anyone else. It doesn't matter who tells you to love others before yourself, love thy neighbor and things like that. Love yourself first and then thy neighbor will be the same.
If you don't love yourself, you cannot love others in the same way. You don't know what love is. Only if you love yourself can you take good care of yourself. Then you know what the other likes, too - what it feels like when you really love yourself and take care of yourself, what is comfortable for you. Then you know how to offer the same to the next person, because you know what makes him or her comfortable. Everyone likes me, because I know how to take care of myself. I know what's good for me. And I love myself, as you can see. So when I take care of someone, he is smitten. Or she is smothered, and swoons out. I know just exactly what she likes because I know exactly what I like.
You see that whatever I wear you like, no? Because I know what to wear to make myself look good. I love myself. It's not that I spoil myself; I look good in anything, and it's not because they're expensive and not because my clothes don't look like yours. It's just that I know what suits me. I look good in almost anything because I just choose the one that suits me. It's not that I buy expensive things. I wear expensive things, too, but that doesn't mean expensive things make me look good. Anything makes me look good. And I look good in almost anything because I buy the colors that I like. I just have the feeling that it would be good for me. That's why it looks good. I love to make myself look good. If I spend the same money, why do I have to buy something that makes me look ugly? I have to take the same trouble - washing and ironing and taking time to wear and all the same trouble, then why should I pay money to make myself look worse? That's the principle.
So if I know how to look good and how to take care of myself, and if I happen to take care of someone else, if necessary, then that person must feel good. There is no choice but to feel good. I do not overdo it. Everything I do is just exact and quick. And it looks good and perfect and it feels good. Because I know how I like people to treat me. I don't like nonsense or taking a lot of time, overdoing things and smothering people. Just go right to the point.
So if you really can take care of yourself and love yourself, there is no one that you cannot take care of, and no one who does not feel comfortable around you, even if you don't take care of them. Because they feel you are just the kind of person they would like to be, very easy and exact and simple and never going wrong.
So love yourself; take care of yourself. But don't take a lot of time. Someone told me, "You always look happy and satisfied with yourself." I said, "Yes, I look good, and I feel good. I am good!" I just feel confident. Maybe I don't look like the best woman in the world, but I look good. So make yourself feel good. Pamper yourself sometimes, even if you are busy. And take time sometimes for yourself. Because you are the most worthy person on this planet. Everyone is. You have only your own worth to take care of; other people are worthy but that's theirs. So your worth is the most valuable. Take care of yourself because you are God. Be good, feel good and be noble. And go toward the goal of what you want to be.